New Adventures Of The Old MODERN MOMMY

Glass or Crystal, The One Where I Have to Blog Because Facebook Status Updates Can Only Be 500 Characters

So, I know it's Tuesday. Period. I actually had bigger plans for that sentence but it just felt right to stop there. I know it's Tuesday for several reasons... Some of you thought I was going to say because it sure was one heck of a Monday yesterday!  But that is just obvious pandering and I won't stand for it. First, there is lots of trash in my garage to go out to the raccoons curb tonight. Honestly, there is always trash in there but you know... for argument's sake and all that. Second, I feel an overwhelming amt of disdain and apathy towards today, thus my original thesis that today is in fact Tuesday.  Also, and equally as disturbing, has anyone else spent their entire life up until this point thinking disdain was really spelled with a T? I was so confused by that squiggly little red line under my "version" of the word today and would like to give yet another shout out to the good people over at Dictionary dot com for having my back yet again.  The alarming admission that I just discovered this well known spelling truth should really only seal the Tuesdayness of today. This day is already quite disconcerting and it's only 10am.

In other uncomfortable news, Ex-Modern Husband and I have reached yet another inevitable milestone. Was it the sad passing of the 3rd anniversary of our divorce becoming final you ask? Ummm, seriously no. Nothing says, "I would divorce you all over again!" like a small but dignified celebration each year on Sept 17th. Wikipedia says that crystal or glass is the traditional 3rd anniversary gift.  Although surely they must have been referring to people who did not accomplish epic marital fail, twice as Modern Ex-Husband has... I must tell you, if you are recently divorced or considering divorce, possibly more important than a good lawyer, is your sense of humor. Keep it alive, nurture it regularly. Let off steam in slanderous ways with malicious and defamatory statements.

Now, I on the other hand, have only one defeat notched into my belt so I purchased a fine glass frame with which to encapsulate the aforementioned court documentation. I tucked it into my hope chest next to a handmade baby blanket and my head gear from Jr. High.

Wikipedia also mentions leather as a more traditional 3rd anniversary gift but I think we can all agree that would take us in a blogging direction we would regret.

No, the unavoidable moment I am describing is the unlikely September coincidence where we finally have a mutual friend on Facebook. Truthfully, I am kinda surprised it did not happen sooner what with all the nonsense and goings on in this small community of people who cannot figure out how to act around us. Thankfully the mutual friend we share this bond with is a sharp person who has always seemed fairly unimpressed with any drama. I am confident this will go off without a hitch... If not, the post-mortem on where it all went horribly wrong will indeed generate another thrilling blog post if not at least provide much entertainment for my inner circle of family and friends who regularly share my disdain for the state of our dissolved union.

I just feel like using that word in a sentence again! It's like I just can't believe I had it so wrong. You know the way you felt when you finally knew all the right words to The Pina Colada Song? Which is actually a stellar example in and of itself since the real title of that song is "Escape" It's a lot like that.

You know you have to go download that song now, right? Or at least move it into a current playlist, because who are we kidding... We all own this song whether we fess up to it or not. So, by no fault of your own, it will be rattling around in your head all day. My gift to you. Hey, it's not glass or crystal, but I think you appreciate the thought behind the gesture.

 

Oprah Fan, The One Where I Take The Pledge

So if you follow me here on Modern Mommy or on Facebook you probably know that I am an Oprah fan. Not with the flair of OCD that I throw into so many of my other infatuations hobbies, but a believer none the less. She doesn't rank higher than all things Apple or my beloved Starbucks iced mocha, but I do love her.  Like so many others, I have serious addictions to technology.  Blogging, Facebook and of course texting.  For the sake of my two sweet children and the determination to prevent even the possibility that they would ever be faced with a world where I did not exist simply to balance out the evil lurking in what is left of their father's soul (and iincidentally, this is also the mantra I repeat in order to make myself put on the seat belt), I have accepted Oprah's challenge and pledged to make my car a NO PHONE ZONE! Please, for the love of all things Mike, join me in this pledge and stop texting while driving!  

I was curled up in bed watching today's Oprah episode and other than every single member of the audience getting a free two night stay at any Hilton property on the planet, I was struck most by the emerging irony (one of my favorite human concepts) of what I was seeing.  Ali Wentworth, comedienne and actress, was sharing her stories of withdrawal as she began the no phone zone pledge. But what no one in the audience seemed to be reacting to was that she was doing all this while addressing a video camera in her car that was capturing her thoughts and jokes about safe driving.  While she was driving.  See where I am going with this?  Maybe a quick glance at the camera lens is about the same as carrying on a conversation with a passenger riding shotgun, but the whole thing made me laugh. Then think. Then, as does usually follow, the urge to blog about it.

I have taken the pledge, and plan to take Ali's suggestion to recruit my children in the cause.  She gave her children permission to scream at the top of their lungs if she picked up her phone in the car while driving. My own plans go into effect this wknd and I admit I am wondering how hard this will be.  I love texting.  This is not to be confused with any love felt for my actual phone.  I have Sprint, so point taken I am sure.  But I love my iPod Touch, my MacBook and any hole in the wall establishment with Wi-Fi.  I get some of my best ideas while driving. That is to say that I am a people watcher and some of you can't help yourselves.  My best material comes from real life. I probably type memos to myself as much as I text or update FB. And for the record, that day I updated my FB status with a photo taken of a truck full with dozens of flammable gas containers was in fact done while stuck in traffic on I-35 N... but my kids were not in the car.  I do have morals and ethics and all the other important adult stuff you know.

I plan to document this process and add it to the way aforementioned list of now slightly more than exactly 100 things I plan to try this year in an effort to make the color, smell and taste of my life just a little bit better. 

Also tune in next post for the one about how my house was tarped and quarantined by the CDC and looks a lot like that scene in ET with all the tubing and hazmat suits and I started introducing my kids like this is petri and this is dish...

Holiday Markdowns

Things are just about what you might expect around the modern household these days.  We are eagerly awaiting Santa and spending our days making new family traditions.  Modern Toddler and Modern Pre-schooler helped record a new outgoing VM msg and love hearing it played back.  Since we are now snuggled into the cold weather around here a few older and more familiar practices have begun again.  I am going to bury the lead and start with my favorite.  Cold weather = constant sniffles.  Constant sniffles = Kleenex always in my jean pockets.  My jeans always in the dryer with all of my other dark clothes = DLRU.  Yes, daily lint roller use is back with a bullet. Coming up right behind at number two would be all the freaking diamond jewelry commercials.  Speaking of new traditions, I have put this question to my readers 2 holidays running now and all 7 of you put up with it last year.  What gift says "I would divorce you all over again"?  I believe I may have finally answered that question.  Or rather Indiana answered it for me.  That's right, nothing says Merry Christmas like a Planned Parenthood gift certificate.  That's cool. Like ripped jeans and break dancing cool.  So this year I say Merry Christmas and please do not procreate.  I hope the holidays find you healthy and happy, but not (under any circumstances) a parent.  This could be a major break through in medical gift giving.  The advances in proctology alone.  If I even thought stick removal was an option, I surely would have worked that into our settlement.  I love my Modern Toddler and Pre-schooler like there is no tomorrow but let's just say that if they ever have another sibling - it might be better for everyone if he or she came from my end of the pool and a completely different life guard.

If spermicide is not on your list this year, consider the other great holiday ideas I have come across in my travels lately.  First, as I hustled about in my holiday shopping, I passed a nice gentleman and his young son whom I thought might be gathering donations for a good and worthy cause.  Nope.  As I got closer I saw they were standing outside, on a chilly day, holding signs accusing this man's employer (a certain local car dealership just across the street) of cheating him out of $10,000  So this man spent the afternoon teaching his son the fine art of bitterness.  Happy holidays.  Or the cleverly hand written sign perched at a local intersection offering simply "I buy Guns" and a local phone number.  I expect we will hear all good things from this fellow.  Tag me with your favorite unusual or tactless gift ideas and happy shopping from Modern Mommy.